Incipit

... love that word :)

I love a lot of words and in writing, words are important. Particularly first words. They are your lure, your dragnet for those unsuspecting reader-fishies. If those first words aren’t engaging then people might not continue to the next words. You need to cast that line so it hooks the dimpled cheeks of anyone whose eyes fall upon it. Here are the first few lines from my novel before and after revision.

Original: He wished it would rain. The air seemed charged with a strange and expectant tension that crept into his bones, making him jittery and unable to settle. The expectation of rain had been with him since he had woken to behold his view over the city and seen it shrouded in grey. But it was past midday now and still the cloud refused to yield. It clung tight to its watery load, perhaps intending to release it in a drenching downpour. Jarl didn’t care, as long as it rained. He had a feeling that when it did his unease would pass. 

              

Comments: I was mostly happy with this, but I found ‘He wished it would rain.’ too plain, although I still wanted to begin with a short, similar statement. I also wanted to mention the character’s name sooner and decided to cut out adjectives here and there, just to make the sentences snappier. Finally, I use expectant in one sentence, and expectation in the next, which seemed a bit repetitive.

After revision: The sky must surely be ready to break. An expectant tension charged the air, creeping into Jarl’s bones and making him jittery and unable to settle. Anticipation of rain had been with him since awaking, his view of the grey-shrouded city settling a premonitory foreboding over his mind and a crease above his brow. It was past midday now and still the cloud refused to yield. It clung tight to its watery load, perhaps intending a spectacular downpour. Jarl didn’t care, as long as it rained. He had a feeling that when it did his unease would pass.

What I hope is that this new beginning is intriguing, that it thrusts the reader immediately into a situation and induces them to read further. I want them to feel the same tension that the character is feeling, and I have tried to do this with description. Everyone knows that feeling of the air before a storm, right? Have I communicated that? I’ve tried to convey information about this character without stating it; in my mind, ‘his view over the city’ suggests that his residence is high above the ground and thus that he possesses the wealth I know I associate with a room with a view. It also reveals his general location.

Not only the first lines of your novel should receive special attention; have a look at the first few lines of every chapter in your own work and see if you can make them a more dynamic and engaging setting of the scene.

I would love to receive comments on these first lines or read your own!